Chapter 21

Frustration and Confusion

It had been weeks since they had arrived to the Javale estate. At the moment, Dabria did not remember any of it. A few days after her arrival, what her parents had tried to prevent, happened anyway. Her sickness returned. Depression, combined with worry and stress, activated the illness that continually lay inside of her. Because she was not running a fever, she had not been confined to bed, but was made to go through most normal activities to keep her active. Despite the attempt at normalcy, her mind had been encased in a gray fog of haziness that could not be penetrated. The words spoken around her made no sense to her, instead what occurred in her mind were images and flashes of memories that she could not hang onto.

Images of events and faces from the time before she had become sick flashed through her mind with some version of clarity, but there were only snatches and not full pictures. Her mother yelled at her ‘three months!” Justin mocked her with words of betrayal and shame, Leon grinned, Kiliki shook her head sadly, and Salena turned her back. It made no sense! Some of it had to be true, but it couldn’t have all happened like this! Her mind screamed at her, trying to contradict the images she saw. She couldn’t make them listen or understand what it all meant. She was being attacked and no one would help her! If she didn’t get out soon, she was sure she would die. She wasn’t ready for that! She could live more! There were things she wanted to do and see. Justin had promised to let her see things. He wasn’t cruel. He wouldn’t snatch away her dream. Her mother had. She had to marry. She wasn’t allowed to dream. Leon wasn’t coming to rescue her. She needed to be free from it! Something or someone was trying to strangle her and she couldn’t breathe.

She gasped, trying to draw breath into lungs that were dying from lack of air. Something was wrong! This wasn’t right. She had to breathe. They loved her. They wouldn’t betray her like this. It couldn’t be true! It was wrong. She had to breath.

“Dabria! Dabria! Listen to me! Here my voice. I’m here! Dabria, it is Kiliki!”

The words made no sense to her. She could hear them, and she knew the voice, but the words were not real.

“Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six...” The voice was slow and steady.

The spinning around her mind slowed slightly. It wanted to match the new rhythm. The black swirling clouds in front of her eyes clashed together as they tried to fight the urge to slow. But she wanted to slow down.

“Nine…Eight…Seven…” The count started over again.

This time the words made sense. Images of began to penetrate the clouds in front of her. It was not the torture of the faces accusing her and beating her, but images of safety. Five flowers appeared in her mind then four horses ran across the grayness. Two trees stood tall next to one smooth lake. The lake was calming. She wanted to draw it. It was peaceful. Not like her nightmares. No one screamed at her. She liked it here.

“Dabria? Can you hear me? Dabria, you were breathing hard. Did something upset you?”

The voice was asking questions now. She was supposed to answer them. But she wasn’t sure how. She nodded her head, but she didn’t think anyone could see. The lake was so peaceful. She could stay here, for now.

“All right, Dabria. That’s it. Lie on the couch. I need a blanket. Not you, Emalia! You’re pregnant for goodness sake! Salena, a blanket. Shh. That’s it. Sleep, little sister. Rest.”

Dabria curled up in the grass. No mean people here, just peace. She was safe here. She could sleep for a bit. Rest sounded so nice.

>~>~>~><~<~<~<

“Don’t leave a man standing!” Justin shouted above his crew members fierce roars. They were thirsty for blood and Justin was in the mood to let them have it.

It was the seventh ship in the past three weeks. If they even so much as glimpsed a ship, they hit it. No rest had been given since they had left the port of Triger some time ago. Justin didn’t want any. Rest meant his eyes would close and his mind would wander. He hated that right now. So, he drove himself and his men to exhaustion, trying desperately to keep her face out of his mind.

Justin yanked the rope around his arm and used it to swing across to the other ship. He raked his sword down low and cut into a man’s shoulder as he passed by. That quickly, he was in the middle of the battle and her face was gone as the need to stay alive took over. His sword moved with the grace of practice. Each thrust and parry was used to perfection. It was rare that he made a mistake and when he did it was almost with relief that he had to work that much harder to correct it. The harder he worked, the more he went on instinct and the less he thought.

“Captain!” A voice yelled.

Justin turned just in time to sink his sword deep into the gut of a quickly advancing foe. Justin dropped the man from his sword with a frown. Too bad that had not been the captain of The Dandy, was his only thought, before he turned to face the next unlucky challenger.

All too soon, the fight was over and the crew subdued. Justin looked around in a mixture of disgust and pride. Disgust because it had been far too easy, but pride that his men had handled themselves so well. He would put any of his men up against five of any other crew and he knew his man would come out on top. He looked around until he spotted Sheron. He motioned him over.

“Find Maath. Inform him to handle the captain. I want a full report when we disengage,” Justin commanded.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Sheron replied smartly, before taking off for the poop deck.

Justin sheathed his sword and quickly made his way back to his own ship. Something grabbed his leg. He looked down to see one of the conquered pirates holding on for dear life.

“Mercy, Captain! Please!”

Justin shook loose quickly. “Mercy? Why should I? Have you ever had mercy on any one of the ships you’ve hit?”

“I am a slave from the ship Raven’s Swift. I did not sign willingly to this!” He protested.

“Yet I’m sure you partook all the same.” Justin paused to study the man.

He was older than Justin by a good ten years or so. His hair and beard had not been kept up and his clothes had obviously passed through many hands. Yet, his eyes held the light of someone who might finally have found hope.

“Yes, I did what I needed to survive. There is no shame in that! Have mercy and I will serve on your crew.”

Justin barked out a laugh. “And why would I want you for my crew?”

“Same as this crew did. I have doctor skills. I am not fully trained, but I can heal most things. I know you’re the Falconer. I’d rather serve you then be forced to stay here.”

At last, Justin truly gave the man some thought. “What is your name and where do you come from?”

“I am Arpad Barton. My home was in Dietrick before I left for other places.”

“Do you wish you had stayed?” Justin questioned.

“No. Here is not better, but it is the adventure I seek. Maybe you can add the better part.”

That made Justin laugh. “All right. You have talked your way out of this fine crew you hate so much. You will not find my crew easier, in many ways it will be worse. Still wish to trade?”

The man nodded solemnly.

“Fine. Inu!” He called to the crew member he had spotted listening to the conversation. “Take him aboard and put him in the brig for now.” Having concluded the odd business, he turned and went straight to his cabin.

Once inside, he threw his soiled shirt on the bed and proceeded to dig out a new one. If the slave’s words were true, he mused, Namid would be pleased with the addition. He would give him some time in the brig then have the new addition closely watched until Justin was sure he could be trusted. He pulled on the clean shirt. That would make this the best haul yet.

He hauled his chair over and plopped down into it. Leaning over the desk, he studied the map of Zerlinda sprawled across it. It had the routes that most of the merchants were taking, along with any attacking hot spots marked out. They had been following the routs for a while, but lately they had been sticking closer to the hot spots. The ships tended to have less cargo, but there were more ships and at the moment that was more important to Justin. He still had the ship outfitted to make a quick attack on The Dandy, so with the latest hits they were riding pretty low in the water. If he was close, and he usually was, it was getting dangerous to carry much more cargo. That meant a port stop needed to happen next. Baxen and Ulrich were the closest. They had a contact in Ulrich that they hadn’t been in touch with lately and now was as good a time as any. He would tell Namid the new course heading as soon as he arrived from overseeing the branding of the other ship.

Satisfied with his decision, he rose from the table and turned, but his hand brushed the map harder than he expected and it fluttered to the floor, with it went a few other papers on the desk as well. Justin growled, annoyed, and bent to retrieve the map. He rolled it up and put it in its place, before turning to find the rest of the scattered materials. A few of the ledger papers had escaped and he quickly put them back into their assigned place. Bending down again, he picked up a picture and immediately frowned. The now very familiar pencil drawn picture of himself at the helm of his ship lay in his hand. Her signature at the bottom was barely discernable any more.

He glanced at his desk and immediately looked around the room. Only one picture remained on his desk, meaning there was one missing. The picture still in its place was a portrait of Dabria with a single tear running down her cheek. Instead of her signature were the words “I’m sorry.” The portrait of her smiling, the one he had requested, was missing. He placed the picture of himself next to the one still on the desk and began a search of the room.

It must have flown away because of the map or he would have noticed it earlier. He couldn’t lose that picture. It was the only one he had of her and it was special because she had drawn it herself. It wasn’t as if he needed it, he had the picture clearly memorized and could see it perfectly in his mind at any moment, still he didn’t want to lose it, especially when he was losing her.

He shook off the thought quickly and moved over to check the section in front of the desk. He wasn’t losing her. Just because she had grown up did not mean that she was lost to him. But she would be soon. The thought rose unbidden.

It was true. Once she was married, it would be doubtful her new husband would let her gallivant across the Ula Ocean to go see her sister, much less with a known pirate. He paused in his search. Was this next trip really the last one they would take together?

He moved on to the floor by the shelves and quickly spotted the wayward paper. Bending over, he picked it up gently and turned it to see Dabria’s face smiling up at him. Her signature was back in its proper place. She had drawn it only two years ago and yet he could see the changes. Her eyes held a more wearied look now and her face was slightly leaner. She was beautiful. She always had been. She had grown up in more ways than one.

He remembered clearly their heated argument. She had accused him of refusing to let her grow up from being his unofficial little sister into the women she had become. What she didn’t realize was that Justin had been well aware that was happening for years and, yes, he had been fighting it for this very reason. His Pixie had become a woman and the woman was changing into someone he was afraid he would lose.

Instead of placing the picture back where it belong, he sat absently in his chair and studied the face he knew so well. What bothered him most was that the spark of life and adventure would go out of her once she was tied to some boy who didn’t understand her. He was convinced if she was forced to marry that was exactly what would happened. He didn’t care what man it was, any public officer or high born man, would want a wife who looked beautiful and did what she was told. Of course, there were exception, but Justin doubted very much that Leon was one of those. Even if he was the ‘nice’ guy that Dabria’s family claimed, Leon still didn’t understand his girl.

Justin stilled and careful laid the picture down. He had no more claim on Dabria than Leon did. In all reality, Dabria wasn’t his little sister, she never had been. It had only seemed that way because of the relationship they had. It was a way to keep her close and claim he too had a right to protect and care for her, just as Tommy and Even did. But Dabria seemed willing to throw that all away. He didn’t want to admit how much that hurt.

He had always believed Dabria trusted him and would always want him to be a part of her life. When Leon entered her life, it seemed she had begun to replace him right then, despite his effort to contradict that. It hadn’t occurred to him how much hurt he would experience to have her forget about him.

She had claimed that she cared about him a great deal and looked forward to their trips together, but if that were so, he couldn’t believe she would so willingly give up her freedom and independence. It must have occurred to her that her new husband would not want Justin to be anywhere near her. Her marriage would essential be the end of their lifelong friendship and she didn’t seem willing to fight for it. Although, in fairness, he hadn’t really thought about what would happen were she forced to marry either. In retrospect, he’d figured Kiliki would never allow that to happen. Kiliki’s foster parents had never liked her though, so there might not be much she could do.

Dabria still had two months. Perhaps they had come up with a plan. If Dabria would only fight it, he would help her. If nothing else, he could take her away. She traveled with him all the time, no one would think anything of it. She could live out whatever adventures she wanted and no one could force her to marry unless she permitted it.

Justin mulled the new idea over in his mind for a second longer. It seemed like the best plan. In two months, he would return to Triger and if Dabria was finally ready to fight, he would help her.

>~>~>~><~<~<~<

Someone, somewhere was yelling. Were they in pain? The lake she had been sitting next to faded away and with it gone came the constant gray clouds. Dabria flinched. Someone was in great pain and they were somewhere close. Was it her? It could be. Dabria doubled over, clutching her stomach, but the pain felt no worse than usually. It was a consistent dull, threatening pain. As if it never wanted her to forget that it could rule her whole world at any moment. But right now, that wasn’t causing the screaming. It hurt her head though. Why was someone trying to hurt her head?

Blindly, she began to move. She had to get away or had to find the source. She wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter. She had to move. With a hand on the wall, she made her way out of the room she was in. Slowly, she followed it along, twisting and turning as it did. Where it was leading her she didn’t know, but moving was good. Moving was safe, but the screaming had become yelling. She flinched. What had she done wrong? Was she being yelled at?

“Dabria! What are you doing out here?”

The voice was familiar, but mean. It meant trouble. She crouched down and started to shake.

“Oh, Dabria. I’m sorry. You’re okay,” the voice soothed. “You surprised me. That is all. Emalia is having her baby, Bree. She’s early though.” The voice soothed and continued to talk. “I went to get towels.” A warm hand was placed on her shoulder. It didn’t feel mean. “You can come with me. If you go back to the parlor, you might wander out again.” The hand shifted to under her arm. “Come on, Bree. Get up.”

Dabria obeyed the direction of the tug. The hand took hers, pulling gently, and Dabria followed willingly. The voice was calm. Maybe it would lead her back to the lake. She liked it there. It was peaceful and she could sleep.

“Salena! Finally! What… Where was she?”

Dabria knew that voice too. She stood still. The gray fog in front of her eyes was making patterns she could almost follow if she tried real hard.

“She was in the hallway. How’s Em?” The first voice came from farther away.

“Not happy!” A groan answered.

Someone laughed. “You will be soon, my sweet dear.”

“Salena, Dabria is still standing there. Can you put her on the couch at least? Or take her to the men?”

“Tommy was forcing Evyn to go for a horse ride before he shattered any more furniture.”

“Oh. Never mind.”

“Here, Bree. You can sit right here. There. Isn’t that comfortable?”

Dabria felt softness around her. Maybe she was on a cloud? She was pretty sure she always wanted to be on a cloud.

“Oh, Bree. It’s been almost two months now. Please, wake up soon. Okay?”

She felt someone kiss her cheek and smiled. That was nice of them. The cloud was soft. It was safe. People weren’t trying to hurt her. She could hear voices, excited voices, and someone yelled often, but there was always someone to sooth it. She couldn’t understand what was happening, but she knew the voices meant she was safe. It was okay to relax. The voices liked her. They wouldn’t let those bad people hurt her.

Who wanted to do that? She tried to remember, but she couldn’t. No faces floated into her mind. She couldn’t concentrate on them anyway. Besides, if they stayed away she was safe. Content, she folded her hands and waited. If she had to move, someone would tell her. For now, it was okay to be still. The voices were protecting her.

>~>~>~><~<~<~<

She was sitting on a couch in a room with girls. They were happy. She wanted to be happy too, but she wasn’t sure why they were having fun. She could hear them and the words made more sense now than they had in a while, but she could only understand snatches at a time. It was like little pinholes of light got through the gray clouds in her mind. She wanted to reach out and get more light, but she couldn’t figure out how.

“She’s so beautiful, Em,” a voice she knew said softly. Who’s voice was it? It frustrated Dabria, because she wanted to know.

“Thank you. I still can’t believe how little she is and she’s already two weeks old.” A voice that had to belong to Em replied.

“I remember Adem at that age. If only he’d stayed that way a few years longer,” a new voice spoke.

Dabria knew that voice! It was her sister! She knew her sister! Kiliki! Dabria bounced on the couch a little. Kiliki was here!

“He can certainly get into trouble, can’t he? Eight-year-old’s know everything,” Em spoke with a laugh.

“Or at least, that’s what he claims,” Kiliki laughed too.

“But, Kiliki, won’t you have a new one soon?” the still unidentified voice asked.

“Yes. We think I’m about five months in so far.”

“You don’t look it. But then, you didn’t last time either. I was the size of a ship!” Emalia grumbled.

That caused a round of laughter, which made Dabria want to join in. But it was almost as if she couldn’t remember how and she didn’t understand why.

“You most certainly were not! If that were true, we could have had us a nice outing on the lake,” A new voice broke into the conversation.

“Aunt Jada!” About three voices responded laughing.

“Can I hold her?” The youngest voice of the group spoke up. It was Dabria’s friend, she remembered now. They were like sisters too.

“Of course. Make sure you support the back of her head,” Emalia responded.

“Em, I’m almost nineteen. I know how to hold a baby.”

Em sighed. “Wow. When did you grow up?”

“I know. Dabria too.” There was silence for a moment. “It seems like yesterday we were bringing them here for the first time.”

“Now, Dabria has to get married,” her friend said. Dabria moved slightly, remembering the voice. Salena! It suddenly appeared in her mind and Salena was upset now.

“Oh! If I only had those parents of hers here I would ring their necks but good!” Aunt Jada spoke up forcefully.

“Only after me,” Kiliki stated. “I hate what they are doing to her. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to stop them. It’s their fault she is sick again.”

“Yes, but she’s been much worse. She doesn’t respond, but she does eat and she hasn’t had a fever,” Emalia pointed out.

“True. Still, it isn’t fair to her,” Kiliki whispered.

A soft cooing broke up the conversation.

“Aw! She’s so perfect. I love holding her,” Dabria’s friend cooed herself.

“There is nothing in the world like holding a little baby. Even more so when it is your own baby,” Kiliki responded.

Baby! I want to hold the baby! Dabria thought, bouncing up and down slightly.

“Kiliki! Look! Dabria is excited about something!” Aunt Jada exclaimed.

Immediately, her sister was by her side.

“Bree? Can you hear me?”

This time, Dabria could understand the question and she concentrated very hard. She wanted to nod yes. She wasn’t sure she had done it, until she heard her sister exclaim, “That’s great!”

“Bree, were you excited about something?”

This time it was easier to nod yes.

“Okay. Can you tell me what it was? Bree, I need you to speak to me.”

She could do that too. She knew she could. She wanted to tell Kiliki she wanted to hold the baby. But, no matter how she tried she could not get the words to form. She could scream them in her mind, but she could not make them come out her lips. A tear rolled down her check in frustration.

“Shh. It’s okay, Bree. I can guess. It’s okay. Don’t be upset.” Kiliki’s voice quickly soothed. “We were talking about the baby. Would you like to hold the baby, Bree?”

Immediately, she nodded.

“Em…” Kiliki’s voice trailed off.

“It’s fine, Kiliki. We can sit on both sides of her. Perhaps it will help snap her back.”

Movement happened very quickly around her then things seemed to settle down.

“Okay, Dabria,” it was Emalia’s voice, “Kiliki’s going to place your arms correctly and I’ll place her into them. We’ll help you, so just relax.”

Dabria nodded again and Kiliki moved her arms. Slowly, something warm, soft, and a little heavy was placed into them. The baby wiggled some and then settled down. Dabria felt joy bubble up inside of her. Gently, she moved her hand and little fingers wrapped around it. This was amazing. She was so soft, so trusting. She was a baby. Pure happiness and love wrapped up in one small bundle.

Slowly, as the joy spread through her and she relaxed holding the small life, Dabria’s vision began to clear. It wasn’t as if her eyes didn’t work, but more like her mind blocked out what she didn’t want to see. Now, holding the baby, she wanted to see the little face.

As her mind released the tension and terror she had surrounded herself in, her senses came back to her. The light hurt at first, almost as if her eyes had been closed, but for all she knew they had been. Shapes became distinguishable and then more details as the small face became clear. With her release of her mind, other abilities and memories returned as well, everything focused on the moment.

“She’s beautiful.”

Kiliki smiled beside her. “Yes, she is.”

“What’s her name?”

“Rosalyse,” Emalia answered.

“It’s perfect,” Dabria whispered.

“Welcome back,” Kiliki responded, releasing her hold on Dabria’s hands and giving her sister a half hug. “How are you feeling?”

“All right. A little confused. I think I was trying to protect myself, but the baby made things seem happy and I wanted to be happy too,” Dabria tried to explain.

“That makes sense. You have a lot happening that would stress you out. Do you remember any of it?”

Dabria shook her head no. “Only a little. I have to get married and I’m mad at Justin, but I don’t remember exactly why.”

“Perhaps that’s a good thing,” Salena muttered.

Kiliki laughed. “You know she’ll remember sooner or later.”

“But meanwhile, I can enjoy the peace,” Salena answered quickly.

Dabria stuck out her tongue. “Right now, I don’t want to remember. I just want to sit and hold Roselyse.”

Kiliki smiled. “That sounds like a plan.”

>~>~>~><~<~<~<