A Painful Decision
“She’s out by the lake,” Salena informed Justin when he walked into the sitting room the next morning.
Justin nodded his thanks and headed back out immediately. There were too many questions in his mind to sort through and the only one who had answers was Dabria. He needed to know the truth about what was going on and he really only wanted it from her.
His horse was saddled in only moments and he was soon on his way. He wanted to think of what to say to her, but he couldn’t form the words in his mind. He had really only one solution for her, if she hadn’t already come up with one, and he wasn’t sure she would take it. There was the added problem that he hadn’t yet solved the phantom situation, but that wouldn’t matter if Dabria refused to fight for her independence.
The lake came quickly into view and with it the picturesque scene of a girl drawing under a tree, her horse tied beside her. Dabria’s hair fell around her shoulders as she worked on her latest drawing. The sun glinted off of it, giving it a golden hue. Justin slowed his horse and dismounted quietly. He stood there for a moment observing her. She seemed healthy now. He smiled and she was talking to herself.
“Hmm, that is one large sparrow. I didn’t mean to do that. What was I saying? Oh, yes, if I go, I’ve solved one problem, Lord, but I have created so many more. And yet, I could do that. I could live with him and he would give his all to make me happy. I know he would. The most tempting part is to be cured of course. I want to do the right thing, Lord, I just didn’t expect Leon to propose so quickly.”
“He did what?” The words were out of Justin’s mouth before he realized he had said them.
Dabria dropped her book and turned to look him. “Justin!”
Justin moved around the tree to stand in front of her. “Leon did what?”
Dabria swallowed, slowly before she answered, “He proposed to me.”
“And you said no, right?” Justin demanded.
“Why would I do that?” Dabria blinked, her face showing her surprise at his loud reaction.
“Because he is wrong for you!” Justin exclaimed.
“Oh, right,” Dabria agreed in a tone that said she wasn’t actually agreeing. “He’s an awful man, who could never really care about me.”
“Not like he should!” Justin protested, ignoring her sarcastic tone. “He doesn’t know you. He’ll expect you to be someone you’re not, to fit his image of his perfect wife. You’re better than that. You have a spirit he will never understand. He’ll never be able to look at you and see the life and fire that you show on my ship. Your excitement and passion for life won’t mean anything to him.” He paused his tirade as her face began to drain of color. Instantly, he felt his heart grip at the sight of her pale blue eyes widening in shock.
He stepped closer to her, unintentionally forcing her to stand and backing her up against the tree. She leaned on it for support as he raised his hand to touch her pale cheek. It was soft and warm under his fingertip and he lowered his voice when he spoke again. “He can’t give you the freedom to be who you are without being scared of that. You deserve so much more than what he is even capable of thinking. To know you are the one that matters above all others and it is you who he wants to have at his side at every moment. You deserve to fill the wind through your hair and see the sights of the world. You shouldn’t have to be ashamed for wanting that. You are so amazing in every sense, my Pixie, and he has no idea how to really love you.”
A tear slipped from her eye and he unconsciously stopped it with his finger. Why was she crying? For a moment, the two gazed at each other in silence. The rest of the world suddenly seemed far away.
It was a moment, before Dabria was able to speak. “And who is this amazing person, Justin? Who is supposed to be able to see all that and treat me as I deserve?”
Justin shook his head. “You’ll find him, Dabria. But it is not Leon.”
“So, you don’t know this wonderful man? Only that he is out there?” Her face and voice held such sorrow that Justin felt his own stomach tighten in pain. “I don’t have time to search, Justin, or wait. My parents sent me a letter only a few days ago. If I am not home in three weeks time already engaged, they will come for me with a man of their own choosing. I am out of time and Leon has already asked.”
Justin grabbed her hands in his. “Are you willing to fight, Dabria? You only need tell me and I’ll take you away. You can go wherever you wish. I will see to anything you need. You just have to trust me.”
“That’s your solution, Justin? It has nothing to do with trust! Is that really all you going to offer me? A chance to run away and hopefully find this miracle man of yours?”
“It will give you the time you need. I’ll help you find him.” Justin started to protest, but Dabria cut him off.
“You’ll help me? And what if I do find someone? Will you approve of him or will he rank as high as Leon? Why can’t you just admit it is more!” Dabria’s voice rose as her frustration mounted and she yanked her hands from him.
“More what?” Justin asked, suddenly confused.
“Argh!” Dabria yelled, aggravated beyond reason. “You are impossible! You just don’t get it!” Suddenly, the tirade was gone. Justin watched in utter amazement as her entire attitude changed from challenging him to one of defeat. “And you never will. You want me to trust you, but I can’t. Not with the most important thing to me. You claim Leon doesn’t understand, but neither do you, Justin.”
“What don’t I understand? Explain it if you’re so sure,” Justin challenged.
“I can’t explain this.” Dabria shook her head.
“You really don’t trust me.” It was a statement.
“I trust you to want to do what is best for me. And I do think you want to try and be there when I need you, but sometimes that isn’t enough.”
“And what Leon is offering is?” Justin said in disgust.
“No. But he is offering a way out of my situation. It is not the path I would willingly choose if I had a better option, but I don’t. And at least this way, I might find a cure for my health.”
“What cure?” Justin asked, trying to keep up with the turn in events. This conversation had gone far from the way he had planned.
“He can take me someplace that might be able to help me. There is no guarantee, of course, but it is the best chance I have.”
“And you are risking all your happiness on this one chance?” He was having a hard time believing what was happening.
She was quiet for a moment as she brought her blue eyes up to meet his green ones. “What other choice do I have? I would give anything to love the man you described and have him love me in return. But…” Her voice trailed off and he read a message in her eyes that he could not fully understand, but he knew was meant for him to find. She knelt and picked up the book she had dropped earlier, and then walked to her horse. She paused, before climbing on, and her words came back to him full of sadness and determination. “I’m going to tell Leon yes. We will leave in a few weeks.”
Justin could only stare at her as she rode away from him. Every part of him screamed that this was not happening and yet he couldn’t deny that it had. What had he said that had made things go so wrong? He tried to run the conversation over in his mind, but he could only think of some of her final words. She had said she would give anything to have a man love her like he’d described and to love him in return. Yet, if that were true, why wasn’t she willing to fight for such a man, but settle with Leon? He couldn’t exactly remember how he had described that man, but he knew Leon didn’t fit the list. The look she had given him had held a message of something. They had been so full of sorrow and maybe hope, but hope for what? She refused to take the solution he offered. What else was he suppose to do?
Justin had no answer and the thought was killing him.
>~>~>~><~<~<~<
He had lost her. The thought shuddered through him, leaving a coldness behind that was unlike anything he had ever felt. He stood in the backyard, gazing up at her window, the darkness of the night covering him. He was leaving.
He had tried to talk to her all day, but she had avoided him and gone to bed as early as possible. He couldn’t justify a reason to stay. It had all been decided. She would be sending a letter soon and returning to her parents with Leon as her husband to be. She would not be traveling on his ship again. Those times were over.
The window was dark, perhaps she really had gone to bed, but he doubted it. He allowed himself to briefly wonder if he could have stopped this if he had arrived sooner. Perhaps he would have been able to give her whatever it was she seemed to want from him. Maybe he would be able to understand then. Would that have been enough to stop her from making this mistake? But it was too late now. He didn’t know how to prevent it. He had lost her as surely as if she was already married.
Despite, how much he hated it, Leon had won. He would be the one to take care of her from now on. They even shared the same faith, something Justin could not claim and didn’t want to. He was no longer allowed to be in the picture. Leon would see to that. He was not a fool. He had received the message quite clearly the last time they had met. Still, Tommy, Evyn, and Kiliki would not let anyone hurt their sister. If they had enough confidence to allow Dabria to go through with her decision, perhaps it was best after all.
He didn’t really believe that, but he was having trouble walking away without some kind of reassurance that he wasn’t abandoning her yet again, not that she cared. Leon had promised to take her someplace to find a cure for her illness. Justin wasn’t sure if it was a bribe or not. It had the makings of one, but if it could help, perhaps it was worth it. The illness had almost cost her her life more than once and it would be a relief to all to no longer have to worry about it. That was something that Justin did not have the ability to offer her. He had no connections in high places, in fact, he had to avoid that. The best he could do was offer her a way to hide. Was it any wonder she did not accept? It would have given her more time to think, but apparently she didn’t need that. She wanted more, but she was willing to give it all up.
Justin turned and walked back around the house. His horse was already saddled and waiting. He climbed on, ignoring the feeling of dread in his stomach. He would never return here and feel the same. He looked at the house one more time and wheeled his horse around, kicking him in his side.
There was simply nothing more he could do. He had tried everything he knew to get her to understand and he had offered to take her away. He had claimed a few months ago that she no longer needed him. He hadn’t believed it was really true, but now it seemed he had made it come true. She was gone and he was going to have to forget, if he could.
>~>~>~><~<~<~<
She knew he was out there. She was pretty sure he didn’t think anyone could see him, but she had caught him leaving the house. He stood in the shadows close by. Her imagination so easily sketched out his profile, his lean face with its strong features, green eyes that could catch and see so deeply into her, and black hair that was caught into a ponytail at the nap of his neck. Right now, his eyes would be clouded with emotion as he fought to figure out her reactions and how she could turn her back to him. After all, that was exactly what she had done.
She turned from the window and carefully crossed to the bed, sitting on its edge. She had left the lights off on purpose. Hopefully, it would keep anyone from checking in on her. She felt another tear slip down her cheek and she allowed it to stay for a moment, before brushing it away. Justin had done that very action to her this morning when everything had gone so wrong.
If only things could be different, if they had more time maybe. But time could not heal everything and it wasn’t on her side. Even if she could wait to make a decision, what would she be waiting for? The perfect man that Justin described didn’t exist, or he didn’t know he did.
Dabria closed her eyes and heard Justin’s smooth voice again describing how she should be treated and loved. Yet, he couldn’t tell her who could do that and as she listened it was with the growing knowledge that she wanted those words and emotions to only come from one person.
She knew it. She wanted to deny it, to pretend the new found knowledge didn’t exist, yet she couldn’t, not any longer. His words had been spoken with such tenderness and his touch had affected her stomach like never before. Leon’s words had scared her, but Justin’s had made her want to believe in them and him. Only he had not made the final offer, nor could she have accepted it if he had. But the knowledge of what had occurred was just as real as the truth. She had fought it for so long, had wanted to believe it was only a crush, but somehow along the way, it had changed and so had she.
She loved Justin.
It was that plain and simple. She loved him and she wanted him to love her back. Not some brother sister affection, but real and true love. The kind that would last through their lifetimes and anything they should face. She wanted to be the one he desired and to help him attain his own goals and desires. But it was all a dream.
He had made it clear he thought that she could have that relationship with someone, but not him. He would ‘help’ her to find it with someone else. Dabria shook her head, miffed. She wanted it with him.
In truth, she had been waiting to make her final decision until Justin arrived. She wanted him to come and rescue her somehow, but instead he had offered her a way of escape that she couldn’t take. It would have been put them into a situation she would not be able to easily escape from and there was always the other matter lurking in the background. It was the one area that Justin truly lost to Leon.
He wasn’t a Christian. When Justin listed how she should be loved, he had left that part out. And even as her heart had cried that he was that person, she could hear the voice she knew to be her Heavenly Father cautioning her that Justin was not His own. She knew the pain it had caused others to be married to someone who did not share their faith. Still, she had wanted him to admit that he loved her.
She lay back on her bed and closed her eyes to the outside world. Perhaps it was better this way. She couldn’t be sure, but wouldn’t it be more painful to know that they loved each other and could not be together? It didn’t feel that way at the moment, of course, he hadn’t said he loved her either.
She groaned out loud. None of this actually mattered. Justin had not come though and he didn’t love her. She had to become engaged to a man she could deal with or her parents would pick someone she could not. As much as she wanted Justin to rescue her from this whole thing, he was not an option. Leon was.
“It won’t be that bad,” she whispered, trying to convince herself. It didn’t work.
She did like Leon and she might be able to find a cure for her disease. They shared the same morals, values, and faith. He thought he loved her, so it was possible in time his affection might turn to real love. All of that would make for a bearable situation and it was probably the best she could hope for. She should be grateful, but it wasn’t fair to either of them. Neither of them deserved to be trapped in a marriage and Leon really deserved to know the truth. If Leon discovered the real her and still did fall in love, would she be able to let go of her own love for Justin? Could she truly marry one man knowing full well she was in love with another?
“Oh, Abba, no one should have to make decisions such as these. There are so many different lives at stake. I want to make the right choice, but no matter what I choose, someone will be hurt. I can’t do this on my own, Lord. I don’t even want to try, but in the end it is my decision to make, so please help it to be the correct one.” She sighed, allowing her frustration to vent. “I will tell Leon I will marry him, but, Abba, if this isn’t the right decision. Please stop it before it is too late.”
>~>~>~><~<~<~<
A week later, Dabria waited anxiously for Kiliki to finish reading and look up. As soon as she did so, Dabria questioned, “Well? Is it okay?”
“It is short and to the point. Your parents will get the message. You have become engaged and you are not coming back. Your fiancé and yourself will be traveling instead to Myth Island where you hope to find a cure and only after will you return to have the ceremony. Did Leon give you the ambassador’s seal to include as proof?” Kiliki summarized the letter and finished with her question.
Dabria nodded and handed over the object she had been clenching in her fists. Kiliki took it and studied it for a moment, before she summoned Aradon.
“Seal this and send it on its way, please,” she requested.
He nodded, and taking the objects, exited the room quickly.
Kiliki looked at her younger sister. “How are you doing?”
“My stomach feels like it is constantly in knots,” Dabria admitted.
“Knots are better than being sick,” Kiliki pointed out.
“I guess,” Dabria muttered.
“Bree, what is it?” Kiliki questioned, her voice more concerned now.
“I thought he would come back,” she whispered.
“Who?”
“Justin. I told him it would be weeks before we left, but he hasn’t returned.”
Kiliki looked at her sister silently for a moment, before she asked in a gentle voice, “Bree, why would he come back?”
Dabria tried to shrug carelessly. “I just thought he would.”
“Did you want him to stop you?” Kiliki asked more pointedly.
Dabria didn’t say anything.
“Dabria, how long have you known?”
She looked up at her sister, her eyes widening slightly. “Known what?”
“That you’re in love with Justin,” Kiliki said in her straight forward manner.
“I’m n… I mean…” She shook her head. “How did you know?”
Kiliki laughed. “You are my little sister. I’m supposed to know these things. Is this why Justin left in a lurch and you refused to talk to him that day?”
“Sort of. He offered to take me away and help me find the right guy in time.”
Kiliki winced. “Ouch. Not what you were hoping for.”
“Not exactly. I know it shouldn’t matter. I mean, he’s not a Christian and it would probably be harder to let him go if I knew he was in love with me, but…”
“But that doesn’t stop the heartache now,” Kiliki finished for her.
“No, it doesn’t,” Dabria agreed.
“So, you are in love with Justin, but agreed to marry Leon.” Kiliki’s voice held no opinion of her sister’s decision one way or another.
“I didn’t see what choice I had. He was the original answer. He’ll take care of me and I think he’ll be good to me. He doesn’t really love me, but that could come,” Dabria explained all her reasoning.
“But you are in love with someone else,” Kiliki responded.
“Yes.” There was nothing else she could say.
“Have you prayed about this?” Kiliki asked next.
Dabria sighed in relief. At least she knew the right answer to this question. “Yes. I asked the Lord to guide me and to stop me if my decision was wrong.”
“Hmm,” Kiliki muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just that those prayers always have, well, a less than pleasant way of working out in my experience.”
“That’s not encouraging.”
Kiliki shrugged. “You do realize you can’t just let things go like this.”
“Why not? Everyone is blissfully ignorant at this point. Justin doesn’t know I love him and Leon doesn’t know I’m being forced to marry a man I don’t love.”
Kiliki stayed silent, which made Dabria rather nervous. A silent Kiliki usually meant she was thinking up something and that always meant problems. But then Kiliki broke her silence, “You know I have heard it said before that ignorance is bliss, but I’ve never really agreed with that.”
“Oh,” Dabria sighed.
Kiliki smiled at her. “There are too many ‘what if’s down that road and far too many people to hurt. The truth is hardly ever an easy thing to deal with, but it is always the correct way.”
“I don’t think I like this,” Dabria muttered.
“How long can blissful ignorance last, Dabria?” Kiliki asked.
Dabria was silent for a moment. “I don’t know, until they find out the truth, I guess.”
“Exactly, and what happens then?”
Dabria shook her head. “Depending on the truth, everything explodes.”
“It’s usually not pretty. God was pretty specific about what He wants for couples in a marriage and one that doesn’t have trust and respect, doesn’t have real love either. Do you know what you’re really doing with Leon?”
“I’m guessing no,” Dabria answered quietly.
“Think, Bree.”
Dabria sighed, but she didn’t really have to think all that hard. “I’m forcing Leon into a marriage when I know neither of us loves the other and I’m starting it based on a lie.”
“A lie of?” Kiliki prompted.
“Well, he doesn’t know I’m being forced to marry by my parents, and he doesn’t know that I am in love with another man.”
“What kind of relationship are you setting up?” Kiliki asked next.
Dabria swallowed, but followed the logical path her sister was leading her down. “One that starts with a lie, which means more lies to cover up the first one.”
Kiliki nodded. “That’s not a good foundation for a marriage no matter your reasoning.”
“But Kiliki! I have to get married! Mother and Father are not going to back down and I just sent them a letter!” Dabria spouted.
“True, but that doesn’t mean you can’t send another one or that you can’t still set things right.”
“What do you want me to do?” Dabria asked, with a sigh of defeat.
“What do you think?”
Dabria made a face. “Why can’t you ever just give me the right answer?”
“Because then you learn my answer and not how to think of the right one for yourself,” Kiliki responded amicably.
Dabria stuck out her tongue. “I need to tell Leon the truth. All of it. But what happens if he doesn’t want to marry me then? My parents…”
“Oh!” Kiliki held up her hands, and switched couches to sit next to her sister. “Calm down and breath. Yes, your parents are a big issue, but God did say He would not give us more than we can handle. So, while I have no idea how right now, we will be able to handle them. We will find some way. But, Bree, you do need to be truthful with Leon. God never promised telling the truth would be easy, only that it would set you free. Follow God first and let everything else fall where it may. If you follow Him, no matter what happens next, He will take care of you.”
“I’m scared,” Dabria admitted.
Kiliki folded her sister into her arms. “I know. You’re scared and you’re still suffering from Justin’s abrupt departure.”
“Justin,” Dabria muttered.
Kiliki smiled. “Justin. I love him too, but even though he thinks he is the only one who understands you, he’s wrong. Even he cannot understand you fully, until he comes to understand the God you love.”
Dabria hung her head and sighed. “I know, but I still want him here.”
“All you can do is pray that God’s will is done in Justin’s life. The way I figure, Justin has all of us praying for him, he doesn’t stand a chance.”
Dabria laughed. “If only he would realize…”
“Don’t, Bree. You can only hurt yourself going down that road. Justin’s heart and life are in God’s hands, not ours. For that matter, so are yours.”
Dabria nodded and hugged her sister tighter. “I have to tell Leon.”
“When does he get back?” Kiliki asked.
“The supply trip was supposed to take a week and a half. So, it shouldn’t be much longer now.”
“Good. Until then…”
This time it was Dabria who interrupted, “Keep praying!”
